Does This Sound Familiar?

Written by Gary. Posted in General

If you are now a proud new dad you might empathise with the following.

This list of preparations for parenthood can be found on numerous websites and I bet that if you did see it before becoming a dad you never took it seriously. I've updated it a bit and consolidated all of the rules but it does make me chuckle when I think that I've gone through it all and then decided to do it all again.

Did you think that it was all a joke? Whose laughing now.

 

  1. Go to the chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter and invite the pharmacist to help himself, then go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
     
  2. Before you go ahead and have children find a couple who are already parents and berate them about:
    • their methods of discipline
    • their lack of patience
    • their appallingly low tolerance levels
    • how they have allowed their children to run riot.
  3. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it will be the last time you have all the answers

  4. To discover how the nights will feel walk around the living room from 7pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing about 8 - l0 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm clock for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12pm and walk around with the bag again until 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2 45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up at 5am and make the breakfast. Go to work and be happy.
     
  5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out smear marmite/bovril on the sofa and jam on the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there throughout the Summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bed - then wipe them clean on the wall paper. Pour milk over your pillows. Cover the stair with crayons. How does that look?
     
  6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag, so that none of its arms stick out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
     
  7. Take an egg carton, Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet roll tube. Using only Copydex and a piece of foil make a Christmas cracker. Last take a milk container, ping-pong ball and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops then make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations you have just qualified for a place on the Playgroup Committee.
     
  8. Forget the Audi A4 and buy a MPV. And don't think you can leave it on the driveway spotless and shining, family cars don't look like that. Take a choc-ice and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Get a 20p piece, stick it in the CD player. Take a family sized pack of chocolate biscuits, mash them down the back seat. Take a garden rake - run it along both sides of the car. There - perfect.
     
  9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come back in again, go out, come back in again, go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect every cigarette end, piece of chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect on the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you have had just about as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out to stare at you. Give up and go back home again. Do it all over again. You are now just about ready to take a small child for a walk.
     
  10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is ideal. If you intend to have more than one child then take more than one goat. Buy your groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even consider having children.
     
  11. Always repeat everything you say 5 times, then say "I won't tell you again". Then say what you originally said again.
     
  12. Hollow out a melon, make a small hole in the side, suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now take a bowl of soggy Weetabix and try to spoon it into the swaying melon whilst pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix has gone, tip the rest in your lap making sure that a lot of it ends up on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
     
  13. Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your trousers, or elbow while repeating "daddy" ever 4 seconds gradually increasing in volume. You are now ready
    to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
     
  14. kids programmesLearn the names of every character from Thomas the Tank Engine, Fireman Sam, Peppa Pig, and Noddy. When you find yourself singing "they're 2 they're 4 they're 6 they're 8 shunting trucks and hauling freight" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

Funny Quotes About Children

Written by Gary. Posted in General

Here is a collection of funny quotes written about children:

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. "
 

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

 

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."
Phyllis Diller

***

"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children."
Bill Cosby

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"Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too."
Lionel Kauffman

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"I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse."
Dave Barry

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"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "
Erma Bombeck

***

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
 

I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita Rudner

***

"Before I was married, I had a hundred theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories. "
John Wilmot

***

"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."
Samuel Butler

***

"Your sons weren't made to like you. That's what grandchildren are for."
Jane Smiley

***

"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
Red Buttons

***

Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet."
Art Linkletter

***

"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm."
Bill Vaughan

***

"To be a successful father there is one absolute rule: When you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years."
Ernest Hemmingway

***

"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble."
Martin Mull.

***

"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."
Craig Charles.

***

"I have just returned from a children's party. I'm one of the survivors."
Percy French

***

"Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills - while you still know everything."
John Hinde

***

"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers."
Eugene Bertin

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"The real menace is dealing with a five year old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five year old."
Jean Kerr

***

"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
Sam Levinson.

***

“The most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things.”
Plato

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"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
Franklin P. Jones

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"A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
Ronald Knox

***

"Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare."
Ed Asner

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"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."
Harry S Truman

***

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."
Author Unknown

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"I can't think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends."
Douglas Feaver

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"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't."
Barbara Kingsolver

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"Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky."
Fran Lebowitz

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"Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out."
Matthew Broderick

***

and this one is my particular favourite

"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."
Anon

Why I wish I was a morning person

Written by Gary. Posted in General

I'm not a morning person. I hate getting up in the morning and if left to my own devices could quite easily sleep in until 11am. My wife isn't a morning person either, whilst not quite as bad as me she still likes her lie ins.

This has given us a massive problem over the last 4 years. No body told me kids like to get up really early. I thought it was just Christmas day they got up at 6 to open their presents from Father Christmas. Oh no, they time it just right to cause as much disruption to my sleep as they possibly can.

Stage1

First it was the crying during the night and attention they need when they are a baby. Coped with that easier than the wife because she was breast feeding and it used to take a nucleur bomb dropped outside the house to wake me. My eldest soon grew out of this phase and was sleeping through the night - hooray.

Stage 2

Next came the occasional waking up during the night with bad dreams stage. Suddenly I find out I have developed into a lighter sleeper than the wife or else she is ignoring it and pretending to be asleep.

Then we had another child and it was back to stage one again with a few bad nights for the eldest son thrown in for good measure.

Stage 3

Next came the getting out of bed to go to the toilet stage or the occasional (even worse) wetting the bed because he was too tired stage.

Coped with all of that with not too many problems and the eldest now manages to go to the toilet during the night with no real problems.

Stage 4

Next comes the 5.30am "dad i've just had a wee can I get into bed with you and mummy" stage. On persuading him that he should just go back to bed for another hour I soon find out that as he doesn't really know how to tell the time very well he's usually back 10 minutes later to ask the same question. Inevitably I say yes so that I can get some more sleep. Through all of this the missus appears to be asleep but I have a sneaky suspicion she's pretending. Now I know why she insists on sleeping furthest from the door. I am always the first call when my eldest "just wants to tell me about his dream" at 6am in the morning.

I am now praying that this is the last stage they go through before returning to a reasonable sleep pattern (by reasonable I mean one that involves waking at 7am at the earliest).

I realise that I still have to go through stage 2,3 and 4 with the youngest but this should be over in about another 2 years.

Latest news: my youngest has started sleeping in on the mornings - every day except the weekends - kids, don't ya just love em

Kung Fu Panda changed my life

Written by Gary. Posted in General

I guess the title should read Kung Fu Panda changed my sons life - or it may have done. This obviously makes no sense at all but I'll explain what I mean.

My son KJ watched Kung Fu Panda and was instantly smitten. Previously he had loved the movie Cars and he still does but this seems to have taken back stage to Kung Fu Panda. We probably have watched the film 10 times together and he must have watched it on his own many more times than that. I like the film as well and am a great fan of Jack Black (Tribute is possibly one of the "best songs in the world") so it was no real hardship watching it over and over again.kung-fu-panda

KJ was so taken with the idea of Kung Fu that he is now enrolled in a karate class which he does every monday and is just about to get his first belt. Now what I find is strange is that he now seems to have moved on from Kung Fu Panda and is developing more wider ranged tastes appropriate to his age range such as Ben 10 and Power Rangers. He doesn't have the fanatical need to watch them over and over again and still likes things like Buzz Lightyear and Cars. So he's developing likes and dislikes and doesn't seem to be driven too much by media and advertising hype.

He has also developed a liking for Indiana Jones and Ironman. Probably a bit too old tastes for him but he likes the idea of adventurers and superheroes. He still likes batman and spiderman as well but it's great to see him making up his own mind as to which is his favourites.

Getting back to the subject in hand how has Kung Fu Panda changed my life. Well it could very well have got KJ involved in a disciplined sport that teaches self control whilst also teaching him how to protect himself. It also has the implications that when he becomes a teenager hopefully he will have better self-discipline and know how to conduct himself properly in society.

Conversely it could mean that when he asks to go out with his friends I might have a hard time stopping him if he's a black belt.

It also means that I am poorer than I was before, as I have to pay his fees. The thing is I know this is just the start of many more clubs, sports and hobbies that he will want to do but I don't care. I am a great believer that children should be encouraged to do these things to broaden their horizon. We parents should provide guidance but not force our children to do something just because we like it. I for instance love rugby but if my sons play rugby that will be entirely their choice. I will encourage them to take up a sport, play a musical instrument, join clubs but which ones will ultimately be their choice.

I think martial arts are a great thing to encourage your children to do, I wish I had been able to learn one when I was younger so Kung Fu Panda assisted me, quite accidentally in getting KJ interested.

Note to self: get hold of a copy of Invictus

Socky

Written by Gary. Posted in General

I picked up my son today from the after school fitness skills club. It was his first day because he was unable to go on Mondays as he had his karate and the school neglected to tell us that as it had proved popular they had also started it on Fridays.

We found out by accident but were very pleased because he had been asking to go from the start of the year and had even considered giving up karate. We consequently ensured that he would be included even though there were only 3 weeks left until it stopped.

When I picked him up he was so excited I was overjoyed. This is great for him as he has fun and gets some extra exercise into the bargain. With today's kids in the UK seeming to get bigger and bigger (perhaps that should read fatter and fatter) I believe it's imperative that we stand up and take action to ensure our kids get a healthy lifestyle and eat the right foods.

Now I am one of those people who believes burger chains, the largest in particular, are responsible for a lot of the problems with peoples health and the fast food age is generally destroying the health of our kids. Not to mention the damage that they are doing to the rainforests etc. but that's a separate issue and best not to get into now.

We don't stop our sons eating fast food but ensure they know the facts (we don't take them to burger chains anyway as both me and the wife do not wish to contribute to their profits). We let them eat pizza, fried chicken etc but in moderation and generally as a treat rather than because we haven't got time to cook them a meal. So I believe we are doing the right thing by our kids. Those people who say they buy fast food because they can't afford to buy the ingredients to cook really should check out how much things cost before they state this. It's common sense that if you buy the food and cook it yourself it will end up being cheaper i.e. fast food has a mark up for profit and must therefore be more expensive.

What has all of this got to do with Socky. Nothing really but sometimes it's good to have a rant about something, even if it is a very contentious issue such as healthy eating (even more so now thanks to Jamie Oliver).

Now to explain why I titled this article Socky. Not really that important just made me laugh. I asked him what he did at the club and what was his favorite thing. After a while he said "I loved the Socky, it was brilliant". I figured this must be a game I hadn't heard of so asked a few more questions to find out how it was played. Still none the wiser I suddenly worked out what he meant when he said "Actually daddy I think I was wrong it's actually called I Socky".

Ice Hockey - brilliant!!

If you have a funny story about things your kids have said drop me a line and I will post them on here for everyone to appreciate.

The Forum

Unfortunately the forum was lost as a result of the recent hack attempts so all previous posts have been lost.

Please accept my apologies.