Does This Sound Familiar?

Written by Gary. Posted in General

If you are now a proud new dad you might empathise with the following.

This list of preparations for parenthood can be found on numerous websites and I bet that if you did see it before becoming a dad you never took it seriously. I've updated it a bit and consolidated all of the rules but it does make me chuckle when I think that I've gone through it all and then decided to do it all again.

Did you think that it was all a joke? Whose laughing now.


  1. Go to the chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter and invite the pharmacist to help himself, then go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
  2. Before you go ahead and have children find a couple who are already parents and berate them about:
    • their methods of discipline
    • their lack of patience
    • their appallingly low tolerance levels
    • how they have allowed their children to run riot.
  3. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it will be the last time you have all the answers

  4. To discover how the nights will feel walk around the living room from 7pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing about 8 - l0 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm clock for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12pm and walk around with the bag again until 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2 45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up at 5am and make the breakfast. Go to work and be happy.
  5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out smear marmite/bovril on the sofa and jam on the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there throughout the Summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bed - then wipe them clean on the wall paper. Pour milk over your pillows. Cover the stair with crayons. How does that look?
  6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag, so that none of its arms stick out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
  7. Take an egg carton, Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet roll tube. Using only Copydex and a piece of foil make a Christmas cracker. Last take a milk container, ping-pong ball and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops then make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations you have just qualified for a place on the Playgroup Committee.
  8. Forget the Audi A4 and buy a MPV. And don't think you can leave it on the driveway spotless and shining, family cars don't look like that. Take a choc-ice and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Get a 20p piece, stick it in the CD player. Take a family sized pack of chocolate biscuits, mash them down the back seat. Take a garden rake - run it along both sides of the car. There - perfect.
  9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come back in again, go out, come back in again, go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect every cigarette end, piece of chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect on the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you have had just about as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out to stare at you. Give up and go back home again. Do it all over again. You are now just about ready to take a small child for a walk.
  10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is ideal. If you intend to have more than one child then take more than one goat. Buy your groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even consider having children.
  11. Always repeat everything you say 5 times, then say "I won't tell you again". Then say what you originally said again.
  12. Hollow out a melon, make a small hole in the side, suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now take a bowl of soggy Weetabix and try to spoon it into the swaying melon whilst pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix has gone, tip the rest in your lap making sure that a lot of it ends up on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
  13. Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your trousers, or elbow while repeating "daddy" ever 4 seconds gradually increasing in volume. You are now ready
    to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
  14. kids programmesLearn the names of every character from Thomas the Tank Engine, Fireman Sam, Peppa Pig, and Noddy. When you find yourself singing "they're 2 they're 4 they're 6 they're 8 shunting trucks and hauling freight" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

The Forum

Unfortunately the forum was lost as a result of the recent hack attempts so all previous posts have been lost.

Please accept my apologies.