Here is a collection of funny quotes written about children:
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. "
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."
"My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children."
"Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too."
"I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse."
"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. "
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
"Before I was married, I had a hundred theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories. "
"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."
"Your sons weren't made to like you. That's what grandchildren are for."
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet."
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm."
"To be a successful father there is one absolute rule: When you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years."
"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble."
"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."
"I have just returned from a children's party. I'm one of the survivors."
"Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills - while you still know everything."
"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers."
"The real menace is dealing with a five year old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five year old."
"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
“The most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things.”
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
Franklin P. Jones
"A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare."
"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."
Harry S Truman
"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."
"I can't think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends."
"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't."
"Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky."
"Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out."
and this one is my particular favourite
"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."